(15 minutes after the advertised start time)
“Hi and welcome here today. We’ve got some super-exciting things to share with you.
But first let us give you a history of the company.
(Five minutes of stuff about getting bigger).
Now we have some really exciting plans for you. We’ve decided to correct all of the things that were bad about our last product. And we have put in new things people asked for. Business really, really wants this. It will mean they stop doing stupid stuff and do more clever stuff.
Our research team are amazing. We’ve got one. It is global. It is cleverer than all other research teams.
The new things we are doing are terribly, terribly innovative.
No-one can hold a candle to us, really and although I do not want to criticise anyone else’s approach, I cannot even for a moment understand what they are doing. Compared to us, they obviously have some kind of deathwish. And their approach is dangerous. Only we have the real answer to the problem. They leave you exposed.
It will be fabulous when it arrives.
Yes I know that we said we would make everything great last time, but things changed.
(Journalists mingle among each other and leave)
Now you know.